Two weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend in a way that we both understand that it wouldn't be good for us to talk until he figures some things out. I may never speak to him again which is the sad reality that hit on my birthday a few days ago: no communication at all. It was, I'm sure, a blessing that he didn't contact me because it's been unbearable to be separated. But it still hurt like hell, particularly since I made his last birthday the birthday of a lifetime and had an absolute blast creating it for him. When you love someone you love to celebrate them and give them as much joy as possible, eh?! There is nothing like the effort your love will make to give you joy.
Cut to: last night. I slept 12 hours. Unheard of! I didn't "need" it...except, I guess my psyche did...endless dreams of him, his family, my old boyfriends, and endless painful scenarios. When I woke up and saw the time, the "depression" word popped in, and I realized I am now in a full blown depression.
So, I started my full court press to deal with this depression:
1. To Do List. I am making myself "do" things but I have to truly make myself. I write out lists: 1) read "Thank You Economy" (amazing book by the way! as was "Crush It" -- must read if you are in business of any kind!) for 15 minutes, 2) read "Spiritual Divorce" (another amazing book -- must read if you are going through a divorce or major break-up) for 15 minutes, 3) write thank you cards, etc. I gave myself smaller goals, but goals nonetheless because if they aren't on paper, I won't do anything, because I don't "feel like it"!2. Whole Foods. I am blessed to have a Whole Foods that has incredibly knowledgable people working in the vitamin/supplement/herb section. I found literally the perfect person to guide me to two things that truly are making a difference (and today I'm being diligent about regular doses): Bach Flower Remedy Sweet Chestnut and Boiron's Homeopathic Remedy Ignatia Amara. The first is for depression and the second for anxiety. I told him I didn't feel at all anxious but I had just told him that I couldn't stop the negative thinking, so he actually was right on. Regular doses are making a difference -- undeniably.
3. Running. I started running again. I have never stopped working out but ironically I had an achilles injury that stopped my running right about the same time the achilles heel of our relationship stopped our relationship. I gave running a shot again today even though it's not 100% and I was absolutely fine. And, the endorphines really helped.
4. Friends. I enlisted a few friends to call when I felt like calling my ex. It happens a LOT so these friends...well let's say if I was really rich I'd probably buy them each a car. I keep reaching out. I think they all have confidence that I will get better since depression is something I don't normally deal with, but still I'm sure at some point I will owe them each a home in Tuscany.
5. Doctor. I happened to have a regular doctor's appointment on Friday and I asked her to write me a prescription for anti-depressants -- just in case I couldn't turn this all around naturally and with all the tricks and tools I have in my bag. I can't imagine filling it, especially since I'm in Full Court Press mode BUT getting the prescription really was part of Full Court Press mode. It's there if I need it.
6. Taking Responsibility. There are things that I can work on for myself that were brought out by this break-up. The more I take responsibility for me the better I feel, because "me" is something I can control and change.
On the road to recovery, one moment at a time...
lazily yours,
b.
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