My dad died on October 10th, synchronistically the same date that my boyfriend's father died. I thought it might be a sweet little nod from my dad from beyond. My boyfriend, and other friends who have lost their dads are reliving their dad's deaths to one degree or another. But even friends who haven't lost a parent understand my pain. This is one of those life experiences that you really don't have to live through to understand and fully empathize with. I know every time a friend's dad has died -- my entire life -- I have felt their pain on some level because even imagining the world without my dad was so painful.
It's been painful, even though I knew it was coming. As I've said to many friends in the past, "No matter how great your life is going, there is never a good time to lose a parent. You are never really ready for it." I thought I was. About 8 years ago my dad was diagnosed with a fatal lung disease, pulmonary fibrosis. He was given 5 years to live. Four years ago he was diagnosed with lung cancer. He also had emphysema. My dad was such a fighter he lived far beyond what his doctors expected.
I have felt a little like I was cut off at the knees. I've felt wobbly kneed several times since he died, and I've never felt these sensations before. I've never felt so shaken by anything in my life. And, as we say in our book, the phrase I keep repeating, that everyone knows and can recite in times like these: This too shall pass.
I know it will get better. I know I'll have a little more finesse with hearing my dad in my heart. I know I'll adjust to not being able to pick up the phone and call him.
It's not passing yet...it's right here in every cell, but it will transform into something different. I hope it transforms into a little glowing, peaceful ball of light inside me that I just get to tap into for joy instead of sadness. That I could look forward to passing into.
We'll see. All I know is it's true: This too shall pass.